It's been nearly three months now since I concluded my past relationship of two years. For me, it was my longest relationship so far in this life and it easily could have become the longest relationship of my life since getting married was a very real future option on the table.
But even when there is love, a good relationship, and the potential for marriage and a family — many of us do not stop and contemplate the age old saying of, “Just because I can, doesn’t mean I ‘should’.” This here may hide some wisdom within the incredibly high divorce rate and dissatisfaction we find in many of today's relationships.
I am at an 8, 9, 10 energy level / life satisfaction when single and taking care of myself. I am at a 6, 7, 8 when in a relationship. I am at a 4, 5, 6 when living together. And if I had kids in this present moment, I am self-aware enough to realize I would be at an exhaustive 2, 3, 4. We see this happen to many people, but still these paths are chosen prematurely. The connection, the intimacy, the joy, and the love wins over again and again, even when it is accompanied by sometimes very extreme negatives. It makes sense, but can we do it better without the extreme polarity shifts? I believe so.
I believe that when two people come together who have a strong grasp on their identity, have worked through their major life fears, guilt, shame, and grief, and established a fulfilling life path or career for themselves, harmonious relationships are a natural by-product. Instead, however, we see many humans by-passing this evolutionary step of personal identity, personal growth, and self-fulfillment by instead focusing on receiving love, affection, and fulfillment from external sources. Key word: co-dependence: “My source of happiness and peace is dependent upon the relationships (or things) in my life and how efficiently they are meeting my needs.” Relying on anything or any person for our state of emotional equilibrium will always lead to failure because everything is transitory, the only potential constant is our relationship with Self.
The “Catch 22” is that to reach emotional equilibrium and a state of inner peace and personal life satisfaction, one must be interactive and still develop and have relationships. This game of life is a hands-on experience. And so, it’s important to break hearts and have our heart broken because it snaps us awake, it stirs up feelings of self-worth that we may have been avoiding, it forces us to make a change where we may have been being stagnant. In short, a broken heart creates cracks from which the light of God may enter.
With that said, I also believe that when two adults that have found this balance have children, they are able to pass on a new way of living and belief foundations about co-creative connections vs co-dependent relations. Kids, including who we are today, learn from what they saw and we learned from what we saw. Generations to come will evolve as we evolve and teach them. Thus, less hearts will be broken and less pain will be had because it won’t take as many earthquakes to shake us awake out of our relational romanticism.
Love will never take away your pain, make your life work, or erase your past. But inner peace will allow you to rise above your pain, flow through life, and lay your past to rest. “Unconditional Love is the Outer Expression of Inner Peace.” ― Alaric Hutchinson, Living Peace
And so today I stand, with such an amazing amount of love for the man I shared two years with. We had many beautiful memories together and at times I of course miss him. Even though I initiated the separation, I still felt pain, I felt loss, and I felt sorrow. But I leaned into that discomfort and realized that All is Well and divinely on time in the cosmic scheme of things. Life moves forward, the rivers flow, and around every corner is a fresh experience of expansion occurring for both of us, for all of us.
This last week was the first time that I came face to face with my self-worth and finally realized that for me to feel an 8, 9, 10 while in a relationship, living together, or having kids, it is meant to happen by being with a man who matches my self-worth and has reached their own inner peace without needing me to be the initiator or guide as a life coach, healer, or spiritual teacher. I heard this a thousand times and the people in my life have always seen it and would /facepalm whenever I repeated the pattern, but out of my own desire for connection and affection, I would compromise myself by cracking the egg open before it was ready to hatch. Today, I have learned a deeper sense of “at peaceness” and “okayness” with this process of natural unfolding.
I share my thoughts on this because I am sure some of you can relate and maybe my own internal processing may bring some insight into your own. Many people also have wondered what happened to us and I wanted to share the most basic and nonaccusing version of separation. In my eyes, there is no bad or wrongness about it, and the same applies to all relationships. All of our human problems simply stem back to our own psychology — our conscious and subconscious beliefs, our wounded egos, and our desire for happiness, affection, and love. We are all but children learning to better maneuver through this life and I can have compassion for each of us, including myself, when we slip up, fall, and even at times bruise one another.
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I shared this on social media on November 3rd and received an overwhelming response rate. Since there was so much resonance, I thought it only fitting to share and archive as a blog. This is the story that sparked the creation of my current book project: "Why Love Hurts", 2016 spring release.